Health and Happiness

Health and Happiness. That is what the radio wished me today. Are these two things inextricably linked for a reason? Is my good health because I am happy? And if I am not happy will I become unhealthy?

During this time of year I look back and think about all of the great things that happened last year. I finished my first successful year as a teacher. I found a perfect job that fulfills me intellectually and emotionally. I ran a 1/2 marathon. I applied for a home loan and took a step away from my apartment-renting youth. I met, loved, and broke up with a great guy.

Two days ago I decided to follow through with the decision that I had been debating for the entire holiday season and broke up with BK. If there were no holidays, a time to reflect, take stock, and make resolutions for the new year would I have broken up with him? Probably not.

I plan to be alone for the new year. The fear of being alone is easier to handle when it is chosen rather than forced. But loneliness is still there. But with him I essentially was alone and now I am free to be with someone on my own terms. So much of the relationship revolved around him and conceded what I wanted or needed. An added bonus is that I forgot my charger at my mom's house and couldn't call someone even if I wanted to.

Besides, internal reflection and cleansing is what this time of year is all about. I have been playing solitaire, watching DVDs, blogging, and reading Beowulf (for work). I may even resort to putting a puzzle together since I have already cleaned my apartment.
My only regret is how painful this is for BK right now. He says he will never love someone like he loves me. The hopeless romantic in me doesn't think we ever love anyone in the same way we love another and the heartless cynic believes that we never fully love anyone besides ourselves and knows that he will eventually stop the 'I will love you forever' crap and find someone else quickly.

I sure hope he does. I don't think I ever gave myself fully to him and hope that he will one day find a woman who can completely love him with a whole heart. I never will. I will always be 60/40. 60% intellect and 40% heart. It is stupid to give yourself completely to a single person. Because of the way the human heart is flawed, a girl must always sleep with one eye open. To love, but love smartly is best because when a man gets too comfortable he stops trying. A relationship is work and dynamic and can never be left unattended.

And yet I want to end this blog by saying that I hope there is someone out there to dispel my philosophies on love. Man, our Cinderella society has trained me well. Wishing you the best year ever...Mel.