I was searching through some old journals (o.k., so I was really FINALLY cleaning my room) and I found some of my attempts at poetry from my college days. Mostly it is just stream of consciousness, so don't be looking for any real format.
I can't look at him, or even in his direction, as he passes
I freeze. My body sucks in the fat that I know I can't hide,
my eyes squint as though I am looking at something of great importance in the distance.
He probably has a girlfriend.
Ew! He smokes.
If I look at him he'll know--he'll know I'm attracted and I can't let him.
I can't let another man see my affection and crush it.
He--I am sure--is not looking at me, but I don't want to be sure.
I don't want to see the expression of uninterest in his eye,
confirming what I already use to keep myself down--that he doesn't want me.
Why do I care?
How can I ever know unless I look up and show him the wonders that are in me?
How many times has my love looked and I didn't?
I can feel him looking, but I'm not ready.
I am still bitter and who knows when I'll get over it.
20 June 2005
Outside my apartmentin S.A.waiting for Lizzy to pick me up to go to HEB.
Hope you like it! Wishing you the best year ever....Mel
Friday, July 2, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Really?! That is really what you're gonna do with your money?
Found out that my dad had to borrow money from his dad for our Christmas presents this year. Then, got a call from him on Saturday asking if I would go and see if the S.A. Academy carried a $400 meat grinder b/c the one in C.C. was out of stock. He spent the gas money to come up here Sunday to pick it up and told me that he has his best friend's brother living in his house. He has been taking this guy back and forth to job interviews, getting him his hardship drivers license, letting him borrow clothes, feeding him 3 meals a day, all on top of giving him a $20 a day allowance for his beer and cigarette habit. All the while, I am trying to chose between paying my bills or paying for BC and allergy medication. Seriously?!? C'mon man!
Wishing you the best year ever....Mel
Wishing you the best year ever....Mel
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Artsy Sunday
I had a fabulous day walking around the McNay art museum on Marion Koogler McNay's birthday. As I stepped out of my car I immediately noticed the beauty of the grounds, even on such an overcast, grey day. Even though there are many people around...some taking engagement pictures, some visiting with family, some talking with other mothers as their children run around and play together, some taking photographs of the breathtakingly landscaped trees, shrubs, and flowers...I still feel as though this is my own private place.
I imagine myself living here, this manicured lawn leading up to my colonial styled mansion with steel latticed window coverings and richly colored imported tile patios, walkways, and balconies. Even if it means I would have to live during the 1900s without indoor plumbing or air conditioning, I would have loved it.
An immediate soothing calm follows the first few seconds of embarrassing questions about which exhibits are free at the entrance of the museum. The artwork intrigues me--How do they do that?, I wonder. I decide to watch the brief skit in the auditorium that celebrates the birthday of Marion Koogler McNay. I am certainly glad for her and thankful for this sanctuary she has built.
She led a fascinating life and I can't help but feel kindred to her. She is described as high-spirited and daring. I blush to think of you reading this and imagining that I think myself either of those admirable qualities so I will go on to describe her and explain my feeling of connectedness.
She grew up in El Dorado, Kansas as the only daughter of a well-to-do doctor who purchased land that would later be discovered to hold oil, thereby ensuring her wealth until the time of her death. Again, this is nothing like me who is the eldest of 2 daughters of hard working laborers who struggled and rose from poverty to middle class.
She was, however, a strong woman with an artist's heart and a love for life, a romantic. At the age of 34 she married the love of her life, the 26 year old, Don McNay. Marion fell in love with Don because of his innocent and earnest way of being. They were only married 10 months before he died of the Spanish Influenza that killed off 25% of the population in the early 1900s. Although she married 4 subsequent times and is known as The Liz Taylor of Texas, she never stopped loving her Don and kept his name after her divorces.
These are a few of my favorite pictures from the ones I saw today. This is John Sargent's Study of a Young Man (Seated) 1895 Lithograph and I love the multi meaning expression on this young man's face. I am curious if he was wondering what he was doing there, whether he should leave without waking his partner, or replaying the fantastic scenes of the night before in his mind over and over again. I sometimes do that same thing myself, but mostly as I am driving in my car.
This is a 1910-12 watercolor and graphite on paper by Maurice Prendergast called Venice. I was particularly drawn to it because its vibrant colors and bustling waterways and market remind me of my trip to Venice in 2005.
I imagine myself living here, this manicured lawn leading up to my colonial styled mansion with steel latticed window coverings and richly colored imported tile patios, walkways, and balconies. Even if it means I would have to live during the 1900s without indoor plumbing or air conditioning, I would have loved it.
An immediate soothing calm follows the first few seconds of embarrassing questions about which exhibits are free at the entrance of the museum. The artwork intrigues me--How do they do that?, I wonder. I decide to watch the brief skit in the auditorium that celebrates the birthday of Marion Koogler McNay. I am certainly glad for her and thankful for this sanctuary she has built.
She led a fascinating life and I can't help but feel kindred to her. She is described as high-spirited and daring. I blush to think of you reading this and imagining that I think myself either of those admirable qualities so I will go on to describe her and explain my feeling of connectedness.
She grew up in El Dorado, Kansas as the only daughter of a well-to-do doctor who purchased land that would later be discovered to hold oil, thereby ensuring her wealth until the time of her death. Again, this is nothing like me who is the eldest of 2 daughters of hard working laborers who struggled and rose from poverty to middle class.
She was, however, a strong woman with an artist's heart and a love for life, a romantic. At the age of 34 she married the love of her life, the 26 year old, Don McNay. Marion fell in love with Don because of his innocent and earnest way of being. They were only married 10 months before he died of the Spanish Influenza that killed off 25% of the population in the early 1900s. Although she married 4 subsequent times and is known as The Liz Taylor of Texas, she never stopped loving her Don and kept his name after her divorces.
These are a few of my favorite pictures from the ones I saw today. This is John Sargent's Study of a Young Man (Seated) 1895 Lithograph and I love the multi meaning expression on this young man's face. I am curious if he was wondering what he was doing there, whether he should leave without waking his partner, or replaying the fantastic scenes of the night before in his mind over and over again. I sometimes do that same thing myself, but mostly as I am driving in my car.
This is a 1910-12 watercolor and graphite on paper by Maurice Prendergast called Venice. I was particularly drawn to it because its vibrant colors and bustling waterways and market remind me of my trip to Venice in 2005.
This picture was incredibly moving. I was able to feel the strife of people in Mexico making their way across the desert seeking refuge in the U.S. The gross juxtaposition of the horrific-faced woman with her breast exposed running along the family man carrying his little girl to safety is moving. In a few years, if left behind, who knows if the child would become the presumed prostitute? This lithograph by Luis Jimenez titled Tan lejos de Dios, tan cerca de los Estados Unidos (So far from God, so close to the United States) 2001 was donated to the museum by my former University President and boss, Ricardo and Harriet Romo. Small world, right?
But this is by far my most favorite painting. It is Cesar A. Martinez's Sol y Remolino 1992 acrylic with sand and organic matter on canvas. I wrote the following notes down while I watched the painting and hope to make it into, or the inspiration for, a poem soon.
earthy
an eruption from the core
spray of organic detritus
desert in the foreground
over emphasized circular figure as focal point; juxtaposition of far and near
a wounded openness, cut with surgical precision; the impression of a red eye
one earth staring at its twin; the viewer is the earth
the beginnings of an identical wound is forming on viewers earth; foreboding of similar future
Impression that it can still be mended by the way the bits of the viewer's earth begins to cover the open wound of its twin.
At first, the colors are warm and soothing; browns, purples, reds, whites, but as you stare a while and contemplate the work inch by inch, your mind wanders and connects the colors with a dying of light and the movements of the painter's strokes with anxiousness, fearfulness, sadness for the pain, but gladness of the promise of healing.
I encourage you all to go check it out. Wishing you the best year ever!.....Mel
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Spoiler Alert: Don't read if you want to feel uplifted
Ok, ok, it has been a while. But I have been busy. Too bad I didn't write about all of it because I would have entertained you all.
Money, money, money, must be funny...I have pretty much been obsessed with it lately. How much is coming in, how much is going out, and whether there will be enough of it to keep me in my house.
So far I have been very lucky. When money has come in (from christmas or from Brit's rent) I have saved it. I had planned to use it for home improvements. I really want to put tile in my spare, downstairs, and master bathroom w/attached walk in closet. I would like to tear out the vanities and mirrors in the 3 bathrooms and replace them with more updated and personalized ones. I would also like to paint all the bathrooms, as well as my bedroom to get it out of the dull blues.
But then life happens and my plans take a backseat. I would say screw John Lennon, but screwing him would not make his words untrue. I guess there is always responsibility to be taken, and we all know that I usually take responsibility for my mistakes, as well as those of others. Chalk it up to being raised by an alcoholic.
I did not monitor or ask the right questions when communicating with my dentist about what services I wanted and did not get a clear estimate/understanding of the charges I would incur and received a very large, and very unexpected bill after having already paid more than I expected to at the window after each visit. I did some research and found that they had overcharged me by $300, but did still owe a balance of $200 or so. Bummer. There goes my master bedroom vanity.
A day later I received a certified letter from the title company that handled the purchase of my house. The letter stated that there was not just one HOA that handled my property, but 2 and the second HOA had not been paid since I purchased the house back in September. They asked me to contact the second HOA to pay $650 in back payments. This, the title company stated, did not include any late fees because they had been waived, nor the transfer fees involved with getting the HOA info put into my name.
I contacted ProComm, the company that manages my property, and they said that the account had been sent to collections and that with late fees and collection charges I owed $750. They suggested I pay as quickly as possible because I would not be able to get any money from the previous owner nor the title company with enough time to make the account up to date and thereby putting it back in the black. I explained to them that I had a letter from the title company stating that those fees had been waived, at which time the billing manager told me that it was not their policy to make such concessions and that I must be mistaken. She asked me to fax her the letter and I did. She did not change her mind on the fee waiving thing.
I am obsessed with my credit score. I am obsessed with paying any debts owed by me; so obsessed, that it is almost religious. I feel a moral obligation to pay back my debts. So naturally, this freaked me the fuck out. Why others don't feel the way that I do, I just can't fathom.
So, I called the title company and expressed my concern that they did not catch this 2nd HOA, even though it had been listed by the seller on the board of realty paperwork that I was given when I first toured the home. The title company just said that the seller knew there were 2 HOAs, but didn't say anything and that in 30 years she had not seen a property with 2 HOAs...Bullshit.
I explained to her what Procomm had said and she called over there to straighten it all out. She let me know that all of the fees associated with transferring ownership of the account were going to be paid by the seller, that September's payment would be prorated since I only moved in on the 25th, and that the late and collection fees would be waived bringing my grand total to $587. There goes my other 2 vanities for my spare bathroom and 1/2 bath downstairs.
Fuck corporate america and their bailouts. They screwed around and made it impossible for our government to not give them money for fear of the collapse of our economy. Whereas to not pay for the bank fuck ups would be more costly than paying for them, I have been put in a position where to fight this bill would be more costly than paying it.
Plus, I have been taught to always see my own responsibility in situations. I put an offer in on the house with the understanding that there was a monthly HOA that covered expenses/maintenance for my house from the studs out. I was pleasantly surprised when the title company informed me that it was not monthly, but yearly. I did not look into it further to notice that the yearly HOA did not cover insurance on the exterior of the home, but only the maintenance of the neighborhood commons. I suppose I should count myself lucky that nothing tragic happened that would require me to try to make a claim on the insurance that I thought I had paid for because ProComm, I am sure, would not have approved payment for anything because the policy had not been paid for. And that is another way they have me by the balls. I would hate to have my insurance for the inside of my home to find out that I did not have exterior insurance as required by my the terms of my mortgage. They would probably try to up the price of my policy for those months knowing my luck. I know that it is unlikely that they could/would do that, but the way my luck is going lately I can't believe I am putting this on the internet. Oh well, call me a dumb ass. I would have to agree with you lately.
These financial woes in addition to my irritation at living with a roommate who feels that since she pays rent she should not have to do any house work or take care of any of the animals that live in it is incredibly irritating. I know that I should be thankful for when she does the dishes occasionally and for the money that comes in from having a roommate because it has allowed me to not touch the small savings I do have in order to pay these unexpected expenses, but sometimes I wonder...I think I would be happier just getting a second job instead of feeling like I'm a mother. I am incredibly glad for Brittney's successes lately and I sincerely hope that she will feel confident enough to go out into the world on her own in the near future. I fear that our reliance/codependency on one another has caused a rift in our relationship as sisters. I am just trying to keep myself together.
I now know the real reason people get married. Two incomes is better than one. Two incomes will pay for groceries, needed medications, and gas money that is not available if you have only one income some months. Good luck to you all. I know that we shouldn't bitch about going without since our depression does not even begin to compare to the 1st depression, but sometimes you feel like having a pity party. Thanks for listening, any advice is welcome, wishing you the best year ever...Mel
Money, money, money, must be funny...I have pretty much been obsessed with it lately. How much is coming in, how much is going out, and whether there will be enough of it to keep me in my house.
So far I have been very lucky. When money has come in (from christmas or from Brit's rent) I have saved it. I had planned to use it for home improvements. I really want to put tile in my spare, downstairs, and master bathroom w/attached walk in closet. I would like to tear out the vanities and mirrors in the 3 bathrooms and replace them with more updated and personalized ones. I would also like to paint all the bathrooms, as well as my bedroom to get it out of the dull blues.
But then life happens and my plans take a backseat. I would say screw John Lennon, but screwing him would not make his words untrue. I guess there is always responsibility to be taken, and we all know that I usually take responsibility for my mistakes, as well as those of others. Chalk it up to being raised by an alcoholic.
I did not monitor or ask the right questions when communicating with my dentist about what services I wanted and did not get a clear estimate/understanding of the charges I would incur and received a very large, and very unexpected bill after having already paid more than I expected to at the window after each visit. I did some research and found that they had overcharged me by $300, but did still owe a balance of $200 or so. Bummer. There goes my master bedroom vanity.
A day later I received a certified letter from the title company that handled the purchase of my house. The letter stated that there was not just one HOA that handled my property, but 2 and the second HOA had not been paid since I purchased the house back in September. They asked me to contact the second HOA to pay $650 in back payments. This, the title company stated, did not include any late fees because they had been waived, nor the transfer fees involved with getting the HOA info put into my name.
I contacted ProComm, the company that manages my property, and they said that the account had been sent to collections and that with late fees and collection charges I owed $750. They suggested I pay as quickly as possible because I would not be able to get any money from the previous owner nor the title company with enough time to make the account up to date and thereby putting it back in the black. I explained to them that I had a letter from the title company stating that those fees had been waived, at which time the billing manager told me that it was not their policy to make such concessions and that I must be mistaken. She asked me to fax her the letter and I did. She did not change her mind on the fee waiving thing.
I am obsessed with my credit score. I am obsessed with paying any debts owed by me; so obsessed, that it is almost religious. I feel a moral obligation to pay back my debts. So naturally, this freaked me the fuck out. Why others don't feel the way that I do, I just can't fathom.
So, I called the title company and expressed my concern that they did not catch this 2nd HOA, even though it had been listed by the seller on the board of realty paperwork that I was given when I first toured the home. The title company just said that the seller knew there were 2 HOAs, but didn't say anything and that in 30 years she had not seen a property with 2 HOAs...Bullshit.
I explained to her what Procomm had said and she called over there to straighten it all out. She let me know that all of the fees associated with transferring ownership of the account were going to be paid by the seller, that September's payment would be prorated since I only moved in on the 25th, and that the late and collection fees would be waived bringing my grand total to $587. There goes my other 2 vanities for my spare bathroom and 1/2 bath downstairs.
Fuck corporate america and their bailouts. They screwed around and made it impossible for our government to not give them money for fear of the collapse of our economy. Whereas to not pay for the bank fuck ups would be more costly than paying for them, I have been put in a position where to fight this bill would be more costly than paying it.
Plus, I have been taught to always see my own responsibility in situations. I put an offer in on the house with the understanding that there was a monthly HOA that covered expenses/maintenance for my house from the studs out. I was pleasantly surprised when the title company informed me that it was not monthly, but yearly. I did not look into it further to notice that the yearly HOA did not cover insurance on the exterior of the home, but only the maintenance of the neighborhood commons. I suppose I should count myself lucky that nothing tragic happened that would require me to try to make a claim on the insurance that I thought I had paid for because ProComm, I am sure, would not have approved payment for anything because the policy had not been paid for. And that is another way they have me by the balls. I would hate to have my insurance for the inside of my home to find out that I did not have exterior insurance as required by my the terms of my mortgage. They would probably try to up the price of my policy for those months knowing my luck. I know that it is unlikely that they could/would do that, but the way my luck is going lately I can't believe I am putting this on the internet. Oh well, call me a dumb ass. I would have to agree with you lately.
These financial woes in addition to my irritation at living with a roommate who feels that since she pays rent she should not have to do any house work or take care of any of the animals that live in it is incredibly irritating. I know that I should be thankful for when she does the dishes occasionally and for the money that comes in from having a roommate because it has allowed me to not touch the small savings I do have in order to pay these unexpected expenses, but sometimes I wonder...I think I would be happier just getting a second job instead of feeling like I'm a mother. I am incredibly glad for Brittney's successes lately and I sincerely hope that she will feel confident enough to go out into the world on her own in the near future. I fear that our reliance/codependency on one another has caused a rift in our relationship as sisters. I am just trying to keep myself together.
I now know the real reason people get married. Two incomes is better than one. Two incomes will pay for groceries, needed medications, and gas money that is not available if you have only one income some months. Good luck to you all. I know that we shouldn't bitch about going without since our depression does not even begin to compare to the 1st depression, but sometimes you feel like having a pity party. Thanks for listening, any advice is welcome, wishing you the best year ever...Mel
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